"Demi jiwa serta penyempurnaan (ciptaan)Nya
Maka Dia mengilhamkan kepadanya (jalan) kejahatan dan ketaqwaannya
Sungguh beruntung orang yang menyucikannya (jiwa itu)
Dan sungguh rugi orang yang mengotorinya"
If you have been reading my blog before, you would know that i have always been complaining about my inner turmoil, the fight between good and evil. There are times when i feel so close to God, thinking im on my way, im a step closer to heaven. And sometimes, i just seem to forget about it, not meaning to bow to my evil ways, but that is me, just human.
I have the weekend of this week, after a thunderous week of exams. Theres still more to go mind you, and its just a short break before stepping into the whirlwind again. Being in a very tired state after a tiring exam today, i went back and slept...my asar, and maghrib flew by,eventhough i did get up every time, just before the next azan, but MR EVIL-INNER-TURMOIL said,
dont get up precious, come, let us sleep and regain our energy, you and i~~ Well, regain my energy i did, and by missing 2 prayers today...owh, how could i~
Above the place where i put my laptop, there is this shelf, filled with novels, books, and other things. My eyes caught this really thin book that i read now and then, but which i should read more often. Its a book that mother gave to me, its called TOWARDS UNDERSTANDING THE BASICS OF ISLAM,a selection from the Quran and hadith. I flipped through the pages like i usually do, its a very meaningful book, but MR EVIL-INNER-TURMOIL said,
ahh, lets not read such rubbish you and i, lets keep clicking facebook in search of a handsome hottie!(just kidding)
AS my index finger skimmed through the yellowing old pages of the book, i suddenly chanced upon the title, the struggle within~ may i share this with you.....
the human being has potentials for good and evil, and within each person a constant struggle goes on for the dominance of each potential. Hidden within the human soul is the ability to accept God and to recognize ones own nobility and dignity. Once a person achieves a consciousness of this fact he can try to purify his soul to achieve the original harmony God has given it. OR he can descend from one corruption to another.
I always feel in Malay what we call rendah diri because of my lack of knowlede in Islam, the way i dress, my personality, my attire, everything,it just does not actually picture a pious person, does it. And then, theres always me, being a lost soul, a dark fight between good and evil, never seems to stop but never seems to improve either. I thought i was the only one, i thought i was bipolar or crazy-like....until i read this.
A friend once asked me, do you ever wish for hidayah..then she said again, hidayah actually comes to us every single minute, the moment we think about God, that is the moment that we receive our hidayah. And every moment that we think about God, that is the time when we are one step closer to our good side. I guess its true...MAybe all this while, all my mistakes, are just part and parcel of a hopefully better life..as i always say, everything happens for a reason~
It seems that all of us are born with two sides, our upbringing, our decisions, are the things that either brings us closer to good or evil. I have this principle of mine, where i rarely judge a person from what i see, or what i hear until i know him or her well. This principle of mine is based from past experiences, where people judge me, not knowing anything about me and critiscize me. They see me from my dressing, from my rowdiness, the way i laugh too loud, and everything...and they just, judge~ i know im not a good person, but i am trying, at least im fighting, hey..just give me a chance~ Thats one thing hard about people like me, no one really gives a chance, and sometimes, along the way when no one believes in you, we tend to give up.....
A person who has achieved some of Islam should not start thinking he has achieved salvation. Imam Ghazali once said, those who are in the forefront of Islam might one day be left behind by the time they die
I wish people do not judge
I wish people do not critiscize
I wish people would just leave me alone, help me, but dont break me
I just wish...~
But after reading this passage from the book, i realize thAt i still have a chance. At least i realize, masih banyak kekurangan pada diri ini, and i will always try to better myself. Maybe the people who have been judging or critiscizing me all this while, are too comfortable with who they are now, that they dont realize all of us are just the same..
any moment a great man may fall, and any moment, a lay man may be a great man...
I know im weak, therefore ill try to get stronger
I know im naive, therefore ill try to learn more
I know who i am, therefore ill strive to be better
**May we always have the feeling that we still have much to learn and to improve...so lets fight,lets not give up!**
O ALLAH, I SEEK YOUR REFUGE FROM BECOMING WEAK AND HELPLESS, FROM LAZINESS AND DEFEAT, FROM THE WEAKNESS OF OLD AGE, FROM FAILURE AND STINGINESS, AND FROM THE TORMENT OF THE GRAVE.
O ALLAH, GIVE MY HEART ITS TAQWA, AND PURIFY IT, YOU ARE THE BEST TO PURIFY IT, YOU ARE ITS FRIEND AND PROTECTOR
SAVE ME, O ALLAH, FROM A SOUL WHICH IS NOT HAPPY AND THE HEART WHICH IS NOT SENSITIVE AND TREMBLING
FROM KNOWLEDGE WHICH DOES NOT BENEFIT, AND PRAYER WHICH IS NOT ACCEPTED