Wednesday, 29 April 2009

What a prayer is worth (1)

Nearly one week and i have not written so sorry blog~

I actually wrote this a few days ago, but did not have time to spruce it up, so here it is today~

This month, im not going to be online much as i took the limited internet connection. I do hope in that way i can and should and must study!haihh~

here goes~

It was a very tiring day today,time stretched on and on like a snail. It was a hot, humid, dry day and it was the day that we had to run around in cricles like mad men 6 times on a very unhappy looking field full of mud holes.

Anyway, i didnt mind that much. Running is my passion, although it looks weird if people ask me what is my hobby and i put running as my top choice. I wish it was something cooler though.

So, after a weary day on campus, i came back home around 5.10, eyes half closed, sleepy from the morning activity. Maghrib comes at 5.45 now, so i gleefully jumped on my bed, put the fan on full blast,and dozed straight away. Emmm~ how good it feels to sleep. One of the best things God invented for us human beings. Oh, and by the way, i put running and sleeping as my passion hand in hand. Maybe i prefer sleeping more than running.hehe

My lazy eyes would open every 5 minutes, a biological clock informing me that i have not prayed asar yet. Its still a good half hour before Maghrib right and i am terribly sleepy. I commented to myself as my heart lolled me to sleep sweetly. By the time i woke up, it was too late. I could hear the song of Maghrib ringing in the air. I jumped from my bed, but i could not do anything, the time for Asar had passed~

Dalam sebuah hadis dijelaskan bahawa Nabi s.a.w. ada bersabda menyatakan,apabila seseorang itu tidur, iblis akan mengikat di atas kepala orang yang berkenaan tiga ikatan. Iblis berkata, kau mempunyai masa tidur yang panjang. Tidurlah! Apabila orang yang berkenaan terjaga dari tidur, lalu menyebut nama Allah, maka terhurailah satu ikatan. Apabila ia berwuduk,maka terhurailah ikatan yang kedua, dan apabila orang yang berkenaan sembahyang, terhurailah ikatan yang ketiga.

Dalam Surah Maryam: 59-60 tersebut firman Allah: Maka datanglah sesudah mereka pengganti yang mensia-siakan sembahyang dan menurutkan hawa nafsunya, maka mereka kelak akan menemui kesesatan, kecuali orang yang bertaubat, beriman dan beramal soleh.

Menurut Ibn Abbas, yang dimaksudkan dengan ``mensia-siakan sembahyang itu bukan mereka yang meninggalkan semua sembahyang, tetapi mereka yang mengtakhirkan atau melambat-lambatkan sembahyang daripada waktunya.

Sad bin Abi Waqaas, seorang daripada 10 orang yang dijanjikan syurga, di antara orang yang awal memeluk Islam berkata, beliau telah bertanya kepada Rasulullah s.a.w. tentang mereka yang lalai terhadap sembahyang.Baginda menjawab menyatakan bahawa mereka itu adalah orang yang melambat-lambatkan sembahyang. Mereka sembahyang tetapi mengambil ringan menyebabkan sembahyang di akhir waktu. Allah menjanjikan mereka ``Neraka Wail, iaitu satu neraka yang amat sakit azabnya. Sesetengah ulama menyatakan Neraka Wail adalah satu lembah yang terdapat dalam Neraka Jahanam. Seandainya dilalukan bukit-bukit yang terdapat di dunia ini diatasnya, nescaya cair semuanya kerana sangat panas. Neraka itu adalah tempat tinggal mereka yang lalai terhadap ibadah sembahyang kecuali mereka yang menyesal dan bertaubat.

Heres a few things i read that made me feel really bad about what i have been doing all this while. It may seem something so simple as to just extend to the last few minutes of the allocated prayer time. And yet, it is a fatal choice that i choose. As of now, i am writing this article and have not prayed Maghrib yet. Nadya, nadya, when will you learn your lesson ~ ALright, 5 minutes more and i will definitely be on my way for my prayers

Anyway, i would like to share an experience of mine. When i was a teenager, i had lots of pimples. REally! IT was so horrible and i had zillions of it that people called me pizza face. I hated it! At that same era, i was also not fond of praying. Whenever my mother asked me to pray, after approximately 3 times calling my name, i would force myself to get on my feet and go to my room. But I didnt go to my room to pray that is~ I just folded and unfolded the prayer mat so that it would look like i did, lie on the bed for 5 minutes and then come out of my room with a triumphant smile plastered on my face. Mom, i finished praying...i would say~

Little did i know, my mom is a wise woman. And moms know when their children did not pray. So one day, mom told me, `tau tak kenapa muka tu penuh jerawat, tu la, x iklhas ambik air sembahyang, sembahyang pun x` Gulp! How did she know. Mom said again, try praying with whole heartedly, im sure those pimples will go away. SO i tried. IT was more about feeling guilty about lying to mom than trying to shoo away the pimples.

So i thought id give praying a shot, id pray righteously for 2 weeks, and see if it made any difference inside and outside. So i prayed diligently for those 2 weeks, my pimples were getting redder and redder, but i still prayed. At the end of the 2 weeks, i said to myself, owh what the heck, i might just keep on praying. And the next day after i said that, all of a sudden, all my pimples disappeared! REally! Everyone was dumbfounded! What product did i use! How did my skin get so smooth in a day. I just smiled silently, in my heart i knew, there was only one product that worked, it was Gods~

** Hmmm, theres 2 more things i would like to share with the public, but i should not be late in my prayers right. Thats the whole point of this entry, and if i dont do as i say, that would make me a hypocrite.

**I will write on later tonight i guess, hopefully, so please keep on reading~ =)

** THeres a comparative religion seminar tonight, and it would be extremely interesting. For those who are not planning on coming, do come, we need to open up our minds on our religion and on others.

** This entry is to be continued~~~

Sunday, 26 April 2009


I woke up today with a sad heart..

Today was going to be the day that i gave away my hamsters back to the person who sold it to me, at the sunday market.

If you had read my blog before, you would have known that i keep 2 hamsters. Mojo and Jojo. Sadly, Mojo died a tragic and cruel death. He was eaten whole by a cat right outside my door while i was sleeping soundly.

A week after that tragic incident, i bought another hamster to keep Jojo company. I wanted to name it Mojo again, but a friend said that we had to remember the dead~ so i named it Michi instead. Michi was so gentle at first, as it was only a baby. But after much persuasion by Jojo, it got fierce and both of them always bite me when i try to pet them.

I walked to the sunday market, and commented to my friend on how empty it was. Then i realised! THere was no sunday market. I asked around, and to my dismay, the market was placed at a futher place today, and i was late to watch the last of the malaysian games today.

With the small box containing the 2 very sad hamsters, i walked to the site where the games had begun. It was a very hot day, and i shaded them as much as possible. Many of my friends loved the hamsters, and played with them. Although some bullied them and they did fall down a lot =(

I was going to bring them back, as i couldnt find the man who sold them to me. When suddenly, a friend who was looking at the box approached me. He played with them for a while, silently watching the 2 rolling over each other in the heat. With a small smile, he asked if he could take them home with him.

I was overjoyed. They finally had a new home. I pray that my friend can take care of them much better than i did.


** i find my room very quite and lonely without the sound of the screeching wheel that they play in everyday

** i miss them so much.....but i think it was for the best

** i hope my friend loves them as much as i did

** remind me to give all the stuff to him later

** thank you to that friend for his willingness to take care of those furry creatures...i miss them so =(

Friday, 24 April 2009

the old man, the bakso seller and me~

I was driving to class today, sunglasses armed, blocking the rays of the sun as i drove in the narrow street from my house. I parked the car at the side of the road as my friend went in a shop to photostat todays learning issue. I hummed to the music of my broken cd player, hand tapping the sides of the window. Casually, i glanced at myself in the rearview mirror, adjusting the reflection to mine,a black Mercedez was parked behind me, obscuring my view to the back of the car. I pulled the loose strands of my hair as my gaze wandered to this old man walking alone, his clothes hanging loosely from his thin body.

I looked at my watch, it was still early, the tutor would not be there yet. I was fretting to myself about how my scholarship money was going to finish and how soon i would be out of money..Again, i strained my eyes in the mirror, searching for that old man. There was something about him, i just couldnt put my hand on it. He had stopped walking now, his face pouring with sweat in the hot sun. His face was deeply tanned, dark lines creased his small frame and he sat down slowly on the side of the road.

`Bakso, bakso`, called the bakso seller to no one in particular. The old man waved and called to the man pushing the cart full of large meatballs. The old man got up and took a look at the cart. His right hand jingled his pockets in search of the right amount to pay for the bakso. I had lowered the window screen to my car by this time. `Pak, 1 mangkuk bakso pakei mee, pakei tahu cuman rp6000`, the man shook his head. `Kalau gak, pakei bakso cuman rp3000`, again the man shook his head side to side, he was quivering, holding a rp1000 in his right hand. The bakso seller got angry, `kalau gak bisa bayar, gak usah aja!!`.

I did not know what i was thinking, or i wasnt thinking at all, my hands turned the knob to the car door and i made my way to the scene. The angry man was fuming by now. Silently, i handed him the last of my cash, rp6000 i had taken from the car, and asked the man to give the whole bowl to the old man who was by now burying his face in his hands. My friend had not come out of the shop yet, so i sat down diligently by the side of the old man as he managed to crinkle a smile.

`Terima kasih neng` he said as he offered me some. I was motioning to the old man that i had to get back in the car, in my forgetfulness, i had left the engine running. He told me, stay awhile, and listen to what he had to say. I pointed to my watch and told him i was in a hurry, eventhough truth be told, it was a good half hour before tutorial started. Absentmindedly, i kept on sitting there, half acknowledging the awkwardness, half wanting to listen to what he had to say.

He gestured for me to come closer and started the tale in Indonesian~

`I was from a very rich family once, believe it or not`, i nodded, disbelievingly. His eyes twinkled a far away look as he went on. `I had everything i wanted, and i was one of the richest man in bandung at the time. i had married well, to someone living right here in Jatinangor.She is very beautiful, she is, and she bore me 3 healthy sons. I was never at home much, always abroad, keeping the company going. and if i had a holiday, i would rather play golf than spend time with my family. This went on for a long time, until.... there was the fire, oh, you should have seen it. It grazed down the whole house in minutes. I lost everything in it, all the money i had worked so hard to get, was gone, not even a penny was spared.

At first i blamed God, I hated the way He took everything from me and nothing was spared,` he said as he heaved a heavy sigh and looked away for awhile.

`But then one day, I came across this stall selling bakso, it was kind of like this one, except that bakso seller did not come today.Before i went to work in the paddy fields everyday, i would buy an empty boul of soup from him just to fill my stomach. He wanted to feed me for free as there was nothing in the soup, but finally relented and charged me rp500 per bowl. That was all i could afford. It was tasteless and it did not amount to much, but i couldnt buy anything else . My family at home needed to eat more than me, I would rather starve than hear them crying at night out of hunger~

It was my routine to buy this as my meal day in and day out. The years passed and i still ate the same empty bowl of soup. one day, i asked the bakso seller to put in some kicap to the soup, and it tasted really good. Suddenly the soup was full of taste and it kept me full atleast for half a day as i worked in the hot sun. The day after that, i tried adding chilli sauce to it, and it tasted even better. I couldnt remember the last time i tasted something so good. I felt thankful that eventhough it was just an empty bowl of soup, it was delicious to me~

I did not understand~

He gave a rueful smile, his mouth was filled with gaps where pearl white teeth used to be. `After a while, i finally stopped blaming God. I realised everything had a reason, every life has a meaning and every soul has a purpose. Eventhough i lost everything in the fire, i did not loose my family. I did not treasure them much before, but now, they are all i have and i would do anything to keep them safe. Like this bakso here, it was tasteless at first, a bit bitter perhaps. But then, as we go on, there would always be things to make it taste better. Life is like that, we have to find other ways to solve our problems. God has his ways of opening our eyes, and he opened mine just in time.`

My friend came out of the shop at about this time, and i was getting up to say goodbye. The old man wiped his mouth with the tip of his sleeve and motioned for me to wait awhile. `Let me walk you to your car` he said as he patted the dust of his faded pants. We walked silently to my car, both thinking of the past, the present and everything else.

I opened the door to my black car and slid into the drivers seat, the old man gave one last smile as i tugged the handle to the door. Before i could close it, the old man said,`I have something for you,thank you for helping me` I declined the dirty brown envelope he held in his hands, but he firmly placed it in mine. My friend pulled my shirt, it was getting late. I hurriedly thanked the old man and took the envelope. I changed the gears and swerved quickly from the side of the road. I had to hurry, it was 1 already


From a distance i glanced at the rearview mirror.

The figure of a thin man, a shadow in the dusty road.

The old man was standing beside the black Mercedez.

The door to the car was open.

I remembered the envelope, i ripped the sides of the envelope.

There was Rp 1, 000, 000 in it~

** This story was both based on facts, and fiction~

**I really hope you enjoyed it~

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

stepping over cold water

I have a question...(*dear readers, you know my question mark button is not working right..huhu)

Actually, maybe its half an opinion, half a question...

Recently, i kind of noticed that my blog and some others were filled with entries on things that i or other people do that is considered a sin.Stay away from this, it is dosa, stay away from that, do this, do that. Suddenly, there are so many rules and regulations in Islam, that I find myself very confused between what is right and wrong.

Where is the balance between love and fear in Islam. Sometimes, we need to be God-fearing to stay away from sins, but at the same time, we need to show that our religion is simple and teaches us how to love God,and the people around us. These are things that are not easy to do because love and fear are 2 different things, 2 VERY different things.

Things were different when i was younger, what we were taught in school, what i was taught at home, and basically what i picked up along the way, very much differs from what i face now.

1. solat hajat

Since i was small, i was an avid prayer of the solat hajat, a prayer to ask for a specific wish. I have grown up with it all my life, i even read it in most books on how to perform that specific solat. I am sure all of you have done it, whether simply on any day, or maybe for something specific like during your PMR or SPM.

But suddenly, when i came here, i found out that we are not supposed to do it. I was shocked, as was most of my friends who did not know. Why were we taught so many different things, i mean, all the ustazah and ustaz that taught us before, takkan depa tak tau
I have somthing to confess, I used to love performing solat hajat, it was so easy, and i really believed in miracles when i did it. Since solat hajat was a sunnah, (at that time), i would also make effort to perform other prayers beside the usual 5. But when i found out that it was bida`ah, i suddenly lost the feeling of performing other non-obligatory prayers. That is as sad thing to confess, but i feel i have to be honest with myself. I would like to start doing other sunnah things again, but oh dear, confused soul~~~

2. Yaasins on thursday nights.

Asrama students, we are known for our nitty gritty routines from dusk till dawn. I was brought up with reciting the verses from Yaasin every thursday night and it was an obligatory routine in school.

Then when i came here, suddenly, you cant do it. I became even more confused. I know im blundering and i do hope you get my point. The specific word is, i became AFRAID of doing things that i thought were supplementary and was earning my way to heaven. All of a sudden, i had to stop it.

I was not brought up with an extremely grueling background in religion. And there are many more out there, just like me. WE become lost, confused, and in the end, helpless. Yes we try to find more knowledge on what we can do and what we cant do. But how far can we. What are our sources. You ask one friend, and it would be different from the next.For me, a part of me which knew the difference between right and wrong is fading away, wallowed in different opinions.

3. Henna on hand

Everyone who was going to wed had henna on their hands. Nothing was said about it. Then, came the 21st century, and suddenly, it is haram. A friend of mine wrote about this recently in his blog. It intrigued me a lot, and i wanted to write on it myself. But i havent had time to do a particular research on it. Dear friend, if you are reading this, i would like to implore for your help to find more substantial evidence, hopefully from international opinions, and i would also like to add my own two cents to your entry a bit.

As all the things above, when i was younger, i heard all that was of henna can and could be used. As long as it did not stop water from touching the skin. Another thing that made it haram was that it was an ornament on a womens hand, and it could attract the attention of men. hmmm~~

I dont know, i really dont know much about the hukums in Islam. So, i would just pose some questions, hopefully, someone can satisfy them.
If every single accessory could not be worn by women, then what are we supposed to do about it. Rings are accessories, and they can be very attractive, but why arent they haram. Why is the henna on the hand haram then.

** reminder to anyone reading this, these are questions mixed with opinions. except you cant tell which is which because my question mark button is not working.. *_*

4. Dyeing the hair

I always looked disgustedly at people who dye their hair. I always had this thought in my head that people who dyed their hair must be wild rascals. But now, here i am, i dyed my hair, and although i am a bit of a wild rascal, but there was a reason. I had thought dyeing your hair is a big NO-NO, until when i came here, and did some research (for the satisfaction of finding if i can really dye my hair or not, sigh). Anyway, i came across a hadith, that i used to permit me to dye my hair. We always search for things to make it easier for us, we try bending the rules here and there so that we eventually we can do something we couldnt. The question is, is it the right thing to do, bending these rules~

But the fact remains, before this, everyone said to me it was a sin to dye ones hair, and now, all of a sudden, you can.

Sigh~ arent we all mere confused mortals.

** When i ask for an explanation, people would tell me it is Bid`ah. It means that the hadiths these were taken are very weak and the source of it is untrustworthy
But why now....why not before, i dont understand~~

**to end my statements, i just want to say.
~I want to be firm in what i believe in.
~I want to answer swiftly anything anyone asks me about my religion
~But how am i going to achieve that when im not sure of all these things
~Its like stepping over cold water to get to the other side, you want to and you have to, but your always afraid.

** hmm...there are many other hukums in Islam that i am not sure of, but i have to stop blabbering on my blog, because i have some learning issue that i practically mUST FINISH tonight.

**tomorrow my tutorial group is going for a picnic, cant wait!!

**heres a little bit of something on that solat hajat thing, but hrmm,i need opinions~help~


Monday, 20 April 2009

the latest jiwang song im listening to~ *_*

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the lights
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes
Oh oh

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, marry me Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes

Oh, oh, oh, oh
'Cause we were both young when I first saw you

Im cured of my homesickness!!yippee!!

Im back in action!!

HAha....I guess i was really homesick after all

I was in dire need of a break, and i got it just in time before a major breakdown.

My flight was at 6 in the morning on a very cold and tiring thursday. I woke up at 3 am, and tip toed my way across the hall of the house as i went out. It was too early to wake anyone, so i quietly said a hushed goodbye, and waited outside for my friend to come and send me of to the airport. (im so sorry dear friend for the 4 am wake up call, i really owe you one)~~

I was a bit sad when i arrived in malaysia,it was 9 am, mom and dad had to go off to the Pakistani embassy so they could not see me until 2 in the afternoon. My aunt picked me up, and although it was great to see her, i cringed at the prospect of having to wait for so long until i met my parents. WHile i was daydreaming in the car, suddenly the phone rang, guess what!! mom and dad had to cancel their trip to the embassy as Pakistan was having a public holiday and the embassy was closed. Suddenly pakistan was one of my favourite countries on the planet!wuhuu! I got to see mom and dad!!

Well, what can i say, it was really good to be home. Technically, i dont actually know where our real home is, the houses in kajang before this were mostly rented, dad bought this apartment just to rent out, but we now use it as a half way house, oh dear. Anyway, during short visits back home, we stay in kajang, long visits would be in perak, or cameron sometimes. huhu...I do wish dad sold all the other houses and settled down on a nice house by the sea, i wish, i wish~ sigh~ At night, my other aunt and uncle came and we ate satay kajang...(clap3!!)..Theres this place that has the best satay in town, but theres no ambience, so, not many people know about it. Anyway, me loike satay!

The next morning, i persisted that we eat at the nearest mamak at home. I had set my heart to cure my homesickness also by filling my tummy with the best my tastebuds could find! I ate nasi kandar on my first morning!woahhh~~~sedapnyaa~~~( i feel as if i had not gone home for so long, but mom said i just came back 3 months ago...omg, i really have chronic homesickness). We wandered around kajang town for awhile, dad bought a new sony cybershot (im drop dead jealous!!argh!please buy me one...please!)I surveyed the latest from sony, 12.1mp~~i want!!~~~

Kakak came that afternoon from johor, afternoons are nice in malaysia, because someone would eventually go out and buy some kueh and we would eat it with sweet hot tea while gossiping at the dinner table. This time, there was no hot tea because it was an extremely hot day (malaysia panas gilerrr~~), we settled down with some cooling cans of yeos..hohoho

The day passed too fast, and it was time to send mom and dad for umrah on a sunny saturday morning. I felt glad that i went home, i got to spend a really short but quality time with my loved ones. If only abang was here, it would be utterly perfect. We waited until it was time to see them go, we hugged like a 100 times, and moms eyes were glassy (i think).


**I never regretted setting my heart to buy the ticket back home even for a minute.

**I learnt that we have to make decisions, im big enough, and i should listen to what other people think, but dont let that be something to waver any decision i have made.

**I feel happier now...and hope i would have more happy thoughts! *_*...yippee!!

**I miss mom and dad still, but i feel safer in my heart knowing i love them every second even more *_* aaawww~~~

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

im going back home

hello earthlings~ys to be ex

i am going back home!! yeayy!!

well, for only a few days to be exact...

Im coming back here saturday afternoon...

skipping 2 days of class which i would have to replace...

had to spend quite a sum for the tickets and document...

i would be missing on quite a lot of things even though im only going home for a few days...

haihh..i dnt know if it is worth it...but things are done and cant be undone...

so, folks..yeapp, im going home ~

my blog will be lonely for awhile....

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

mama,nak pesan jubah satu

I think i would like to diagnose myself with having bipolar disorder...

Or maybe, i have manic depression...

Or maybe, just maybe, im just terribly homesick...(i have never been homesick before, well maybe i had,just not as bad)

It has been a totally crappy month for me...if you have been reading my blog, you would notice how sadistic my entries have become..

My close friends know that the time i laugh the most, is the time im the saddest.

Do i need psychiatric help, owh god, i hope not.

I once watched this movie, the character in the movie said that if you question your sanity, then you are still sane...


Lets put that aside, shall we...and go on to something that is worth reading


I switched off the dim lights to my room, it was only 10 pm, but i didnt feel like doing anything else. I bundled up under the bed covers and lay my head on the pillow, waiting for the sound of the phone dial. After the 3rd ring, the voice i so badly wanted to hear picked up, it was my mommy. I giggled as she answered wei, ni hao ma..wo hen hao...i answered back... it was so good to hear moms voice,i really wished i was back home with her.

One thing about me, is that i try to avoid telling mom about my life problems. I try to hide it from her, i avoid her knowing questions, and i say everything is alright. I dont want to trouble moms poor soul with my trivial affairs because she would get all worked up and worried. With the hopes that i am independent enough to sort things out,ill always try my best to solve what i am going through. We talked and talked into the night, moms vegetable garden was growing well, dads flower garden was flourishing and my garden, well, it kind of disappeared between weeds somewhere.

Then mom said, mom and dad is going for umrah heart skipped a beat, they were going for umrah the sacred land which i had wanted to go this year but couldn`t because of class schedules. I felt my heart churn, why! They were going to the Holy land, why must i feel so sad, why must i feel so scared for them,why must i feel so worried ...WHY WHY WHY!!!

Without thinking much, i told mom owh, mama pegi minggu depan ke, nak pesan boleh...can you buy me a jubah, a nicer one than the last one you bought for me....Mom fell quite for a minute...Hesitantly, she answered me slowly...
lain kali, kalau orang nak pergi Mecca, sampaikan salam kepada nabi dan rasul dulu~
...GULP~~i was utterly stunned. Oh dear, what have i become! How could i forget such a thing! I told you i was becoming materialistic! It felt like someone smacked me right in the face, i felt so ashamed of myself, and nervously laughed it of. I managed to change the subject, but the incident left a dent in my brain and my heart.

My dearest mother and father were going on a journey to instill their faith in God, and here i was thinking of which jubah would look nicer on me. How sad that sounded. Nadya, Nadya, you are a lost soul arent you....haihh~~

I have been for umrah before, when i was 11 years old. Trust me,There is no feeling like the miracle of stepping on the very steps the prophet had, drinking the crystal clear air zam zam, which was so abundant, you could take ablution with it. I was a small girl at that time, but i understood the purpose of my far journey into the Middle East. My memories of Arabia is a bit blurry though, as of most of my travels when i was young. But the feeling, the feeling has never and WILL NEVER disappear....

Our trip in Saudi Arabia began in Jeddah, Madinah, and finally ended in Mecca. The roads were dusty from one city to another. Each destination required us to fulfill a few obligations. In Madinah, I remember the majestic Masjid al-Nabawi, a mosque so beautiful, that there was gold carvings on the pillars, beautiful marbles spread across land bigger than numerous football fields...At night, the roof of the mosque opened as the Adzan for Magrib filled the air, the gust of soothing wind touching lightly on our skins, as we prayed, and prayed, and prayed.

In Mecca, Masjidil Haram, the forbidden kingdom. I remember myself quivering, a rush of humbleness came unto me as i tip toed my way on the cold marble floor. Large doors opened wide, like daggers into the hearts of us mere mortals. The sensation...indescribable~ Masjidil Haram is where the Ka`abah is situated. It is truly glorious i tell you, to grasp the origins of who you really are, your religion, your roots...Subhanallah...I just cant find words to tell you what i felt~

**A few years later, mom and dad has gone there a few times for the Hajj and for umrah. Im usually there to send them of, but not this time.

**i feel like a small girl, longing to be in the hands of mama and daddy. I just miss them so much and i just want to see them and be with them =`(

**Im confused with my inner turmoil, i should be happy that they are going to be closer to God in this coming two weeks, but to tell you the truth, i worry for their safety. Why should i feel that and dad has been travelling all their life, why do i feel so worried now....

**Ya Allah, help me sort out what i really feel...i really need your help on this one =`(

**Please help me pray for their safety, please help me pray that Allah will guide their way...please~


Ya Allah,

Rendahkanlah suaraku bagi mereka
Perindahlah ucapanku di depan mereka
Lunakkanlah watakku terhadap mereka dan
Lembutkan hatiku untuk mereka

Ya Allah,

Berilah mereka balasan yang sebaik-baiknya, atas didikan mereka padaku
dan Pahala yang besar atas kesayangan yang mereka limpahkan padaku,
peliharalah mereka sebagaimana mereka memeliharaku.

Ya Allah,

Apa saja gangguan yang telah mereka rasakan atau kesusahan yang mereka
deritakan kerana aku, atau hilangnya sesuatu hak mereka kerana perbuatanku,
jadikanlah itu semua penyebab rontotnya dosa-dosa mereka dan bertambahnya
pahala kebaikan mereka dengan perkenan-Mu ya Allah, hanya Engkaulah
yang berhak membalas kejahatan dengan kebaikan berlipat ganda.

Ya Allah,

Bila magfirah-Mu telah mencapai mereka sebelumku, Izinkanlah mereka
memberi syafa'at untukku.
Tetapi jika sebaliknya, maka izinkanlah aku memberi syafa'at untuk
mereka, sehingga kami semua berkumpul bersama dengan santunan-Mu di tempat
kediaman yang dinaungi kemulian-Mu,ampunan-Mu serta rahmat-Mu

Sesungguhnya Engkaulah yang memiliki Kurnia Maha Agung, serta anugerah
yang tak berakhir dan
Engkaulah yang Maha Pengasih diantara semua pengasih.

Amin Ya Rabbul Alamin..

Monday, 13 April 2009

life update

hey there...

i had a 4 day holiday...and what did i do with it!! i burned myself in the scorching sun, i forced my muscles until they were overworked, and the rest is history~


1. I entered chess again this year. At first i did not want to. (did i tell you i am afraid of doing things i might be good at because i would hate myself if i did not win).Anyway, last year, i came in 4th place when i was up against this junior. Argh! I had not played for 4 years, i guess thats got to do with the 4th placing right..haha*nervous laugh*..She killed my queen early in the game, and without my queen, i was a hopeless wreck! i could not focus, and thus lost with that junior smiling.wuhuu!

This year, the game began at 7 in the morning. Who in the right mind plays chess at 7 in the morning pray tell! I wasnt feeling well, and i woke up quite late, people were calling me and telling me to hurry, there was this person who shouted to people about how he was going to disqualify me and all (like hellooo, it was not like i woke up late on purpose)I arrived flustered as usual, and sat down to practice with a friend. (am i a nerd to love chess)huhu..

A good hour later, someone called me to start playing. Guess what!! I was up against my arch enemy (in chess), that same junior who defeated me last year. My mouth went dry fast, my knees quivered and i lost any 20% confidence i might have had before. The time started, and i forced myself to sit and play. This time, i calmed my nerves, focused and moved the pieces slowly. At about the 5th minute, I KILLED HER QUEEN!!owh, how sweet revenge tastes like, sweet..sweet! At the 8th minute, i won the game, alhamdulillah.

The next game was another miracle,as she killed my queen (usually i would have given up), but this time, i played hard, and i won! I was in the finals,against the same person who got 1st last year. I played, I lost, but i loved every minute of it. I found out that i still had my chess skills (no matter if it had no strategy at all), but i guess God was with me that day and helped me throughout the brain squishing ordeal. This year, i got 2nd, next year, who knows..lets pray for the best!


2. Last week, i went for the olymphiart try out with some indonesian friends.I just finished a meeting, i did not warm up, and i ran both sprint and long distance. I wanted to go for the 100m run, which is not that tiring. I could, but i just didnt. (please remind me not to give in to other people easily at times). So, eventually,i ran again for the long distance run. Since all the other places were taken, they decided to put me in for that, which i dislike because it hurts to run. huhu..
The next few days after that, i think my muscle was reduced to tart. I had given all my evergy during the tryout without thinking of the consequence that in the next few days, there will be a marathon.

The morning before the marathon, i played netball(which i will shamefully tell later). My muscles still had not healed and i was going to force it to work by hook or by crook. 1 hour after the game, after a very instantaneous rest, the marathon began. During my 1st year, i had entered the marathon and came in 2nd. This year, there were more people who entered,and i had an aim(shh...secret). But i knew i couldnt perform well because i was too tired. There were 4 checkpoints to past, and i was leading until the 3rd checkpoint. Suddenly, the route ahead was a different one instead of the usual route, and it was uphill.At that exact moment, i suddenly coudnt breathe, i was HYPERVENTILATING!! I had never before, usually i would slow down because my legs hurt or my tummy ached, but this! i had never experienced this before! I seriously was gasping for air, i couldnt run anymore. Even as i walked, i was afraid i would faint at any moment. I saw a friend on a bike, and asked him for help, he thought i was joking and laughed at me and told me to keep running. Apa lagi, saya give up lah~ SO, i walked all the way until the finish line, and dropped dead..ahaha..Anyway, the friend whom i saw along the way came to me and said sorry so many times because he thought i was really joking. I finished 6th place this year, i nearly fainted for air, but hey, mom told me there are times we loose, there are times we win, thats life! =)


3. Netball, oh netball. DO you know how many times i have ever played netball in my life. Nil, zero, kosong~~ahahaha...I decided to join some seniors in a netball competition, just for the experience anyway. I love basketball, i hate netball and i never practiced for the competition. I had played once before, and i know i TOTALLY SUCK AT IT. But, hey, i love sports, and it seemed like a good idea, at first. I played like an extreme idiot (ye kwn2,saya tahu)haha...My friends all said i played like a champion comel girl, translate = lawak giler nadya main, hahahahaha...etc2~~. But they did say they loved the spirit that i never gave up trying, eventhough i was making a fool out of myself...haha...

Thursday, 9 April 2009

kampung girl said hye to city boy

I suddenly found myself to be a very kampung girl, not that i did not realise it, i just did not think i was too kampung-ish.

Anyway, i went out one day to fetch a friend from the airport and his parents were going to be there, so i opted to wear something pink and white. Plus,i had no more jeans to wear because of my &*%$#$ dobi. Omg, i must have looked childish, but i was going for the whole innocent look =P

That got me thinking actually, why had i become so like this. I was brought amongst my siblings who are the exact opposite of me. My cousins are the exact opposite of me. And here i am, shy, quiet, immature....worst of all, kampung...oh the dreaded word, i wonder why we are so afraid to be termed as kampung in the first place.

Mom always brought me up a bit differently, i dont know if it was because i was the last and thus termed the baby of the family. They never let me in the kitchen, dad never spanked me if i did not know my maths, abang has a soft side when it comes to me and kakak, bosses me around..just kidding, she spoils me a lot.

I was in a very protected environment, which i am sometimes thankful of, but sometimes i do wish i was more like my sister, brother and cousins. MY sister laughed her head of when she heard i did not go clubbing in bali, my brother laughed his pants off when he heard it because he would go to brazil just to go clubbing.

Sometimes i wonder, who do i really wish to be...

Who am i actually...

Is my life full of what other people want me to be...

Or is it full of what i want to be like other people...

And if so, then what am i like, really...

I define the world into 3 types of human beings.




So which group do i belong to u ask..of course i belong to group B. 1 foot in A,the other in C. I can be both at times, but majoring only in 1 at most.
My sister once said to me, 60% of what we do is what we picked up from the people near us. I wish i had picked up the cooler 60% though. Its easy for her to say, she was born to be cool. Unlike her little sister here.

Back to the bigger picture, i went to a boarding school, which helped in making me like this today.. sigh..No one in my family went to boarding school, except my brother, who eventually hated it because there was no freedom.

I cringed at how kampung-ish i must be.. *bigg cringe*

Ill try to be less kampung-ish in the future

But at the moment, I dont know the definition of myself. I kind of lost my identity along the way when i picked up 60% of other uncool beings along the way...

But who cares what people think right (yerright)

If thats who i really am, then theres nothing anyone can do about it (except for me, who will try)

kampung girl does not want to say bye to city boy, but it looks like it should be that way...

or shouldnt it be...~

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

can you tell me its ok...

today,yesterday,last week and the week before.....

I lost my hamster today...
~can you tell me,its ok,ill get you another one

i think the cat ate my hamster today...
~can you tell me,its ok,ill get you a sweet kitten to keep you company

I am in the athletic team with some indonesians...
~can you tell me,wow!im so proud of you!

I fell down and scraped my knee badly just now...
~can you tell me,its ok,ill help to stop the bleeding

I miss my mommy and daddy and im so homesick...
~can you tell me,its ok,im here, ill never let you get lonely

Im very emotionally unstable and keep breaking down easily now...
~can you tell me,its ok,ill always be there when you need me

I need someone to listen to,talk to,laugh with, cry with,smile with...
~can you tell me,its ok,we'll walk together and i will laugh and cry with you

ive suddenly become all whiney and clingy,and i know you are bored of it...
~can you tell me,its ok,i told you ill always be there right?

i want to hear your problems,i want to make you laugh and smile,i want to have long walks be it rain or shine,i want to share ice cream with you,i want to tell you secrets and we will giggle about it,i want~

But i cant right?because you cant even say its ok...