Tuesday, 14 April 2009

mama,nak pesan jubah satu

I think i would like to diagnose myself with having bipolar disorder...

Or maybe, i have manic depression...

Or maybe, just maybe, im just terribly homesick...(i have never been homesick before, well maybe i had,just not as bad)

It has been a totally crappy month for me...if you have been reading my blog, you would notice how sadistic my entries have become..

My close friends know that the time i laugh the most, is the time im the saddest.

Do i need psychiatric help, owh god, i hope not.

I once watched this movie, the character in the movie said that if you question your sanity, then you are still sane...

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Lets put that aside, shall we...and go on to something that is worth reading

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I switched off the dim lights to my room, it was only 10 pm, but i didnt feel like doing anything else. I bundled up under the bed covers and lay my head on the pillow, waiting for the sound of the phone dial. After the 3rd ring, the voice i so badly wanted to hear picked up, it was my mommy. I giggled as she answered wei, ni hao ma..wo hen hao...i answered back... it was so good to hear moms voice,i really wished i was back home with her.

One thing about me, is that i try to avoid telling mom about my life problems. I try to hide it from her, i avoid her knowing questions, and i say everything is alright. I dont want to trouble moms poor soul with my trivial affairs because she would get all worked up and worried. With the hopes that i am independent enough to sort things out,ill always try my best to solve what i am going through. We talked and talked into the night, moms vegetable garden was growing well, dads flower garden was flourishing and my garden, well, it kind of disappeared between weeds somewhere.

Then mom said, mom and dad is going for umrah nextweek...my heart skipped a beat, they were going for umrah again..to the sacred land which i had wanted to go this year but couldn`t because of class schedules. I felt my heart churn, why! They were going to the Holy land, why must i feel so sad, why must i feel so scared for them,why must i feel so worried ...WHY WHY WHY!!!

Without thinking much, i told mom owh, mama pegi minggu depan ke, nak pesan boleh...can you buy me a jubah, a nicer one than the last one you bought for me....Mom fell quite for a minute...Hesitantly, she answered me slowly...
lain kali, kalau orang nak pergi Mecca, sampaikan salam kepada nabi dan rasul dulu~
...GULP~~i was utterly stunned. Oh dear, what have i become! How could i forget such a thing! I told you i was becoming materialistic! It felt like someone smacked me right in the face, i felt so ashamed of myself, and nervously laughed it of. I managed to change the subject, but the incident left a dent in my brain and my heart.


My dearest mother and father were going on a journey to instill their faith in God, and here i was thinking of which jubah would look nicer on me. How sad that sounded. Nadya, Nadya, you are a lost soul arent you....haihh~~

I have been for umrah before, when i was 11 years old. Trust me,There is no feeling like the miracle of stepping on the very steps the prophet had, drinking the crystal clear air zam zam, which was so abundant, you could take ablution with it. I was a small girl at that time, but i understood the purpose of my far journey into the Middle East. My memories of Arabia is a bit blurry though, as of most of my travels when i was young. But the feeling, the feeling has never and WILL NEVER disappear....

Our trip in Saudi Arabia began in Jeddah, Madinah, and finally ended in Mecca. The roads were dusty from one city to another. Each destination required us to fulfill a few obligations. In Madinah, I remember the majestic Masjid al-Nabawi, a mosque so beautiful, that there was gold carvings on the pillars, beautiful marbles spread across land bigger than numerous football fields...At night, the roof of the mosque opened as the Adzan for Magrib filled the air, the gust of soothing wind touching lightly on our skins, as we prayed, and prayed, and prayed.

In Mecca, Masjidil Haram, the forbidden kingdom. I remember myself quivering, a rush of humbleness came unto me as i tip toed my way on the cold marble floor. Large doors opened wide, like daggers into the hearts of us mere mortals. The sensation...indescribable~ Masjidil Haram is where the Ka`abah is situated. It is truly glorious i tell you, to grasp the origins of who you really are, your religion, your roots...Subhanallah...I just cant find words to tell you what i felt~

**A few years later, mom and dad has gone there a few times for the Hajj and for umrah. Im usually there to send them of, but not this time.

**i feel like a small girl, longing to be in the hands of mama and daddy. I just miss them so much and i just want to see them and be with them =`(

**Im confused with my inner turmoil, i should be happy that they are going to be closer to God in this coming two weeks, but to tell you the truth, i worry for their safety. Why should i feel that way....mom and dad has been travelling all their life, why do i feel so worried now....

**Ya Allah, help me sort out what i really feel...i really need your help on this one =`(

**Please help me pray for their safety, please help me pray that Allah will guide their way...please~

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Ya Allah,

Rendahkanlah suaraku bagi mereka
Perindahlah ucapanku di depan mereka
Lunakkanlah watakku terhadap mereka dan
Lembutkan hatiku untuk mereka

Ya Allah,

Berilah mereka balasan yang sebaik-baiknya, atas didikan mereka padaku
dan Pahala yang besar atas kesayangan yang mereka limpahkan padaku,
peliharalah mereka sebagaimana mereka memeliharaku.

Ya Allah,

Apa saja gangguan yang telah mereka rasakan atau kesusahan yang mereka
deritakan kerana aku, atau hilangnya sesuatu hak mereka kerana perbuatanku,
jadikanlah itu semua penyebab rontotnya dosa-dosa mereka dan bertambahnya
pahala kebaikan mereka dengan perkenan-Mu ya Allah, hanya Engkaulah
yang berhak membalas kejahatan dengan kebaikan berlipat ganda.

Ya Allah,

Bila magfirah-Mu telah mencapai mereka sebelumku, Izinkanlah mereka
memberi syafa'at untukku.
Tetapi jika sebaliknya, maka izinkanlah aku memberi syafa'at untuk
mereka, sehingga kami semua berkumpul bersama dengan santunan-Mu di tempat
kediaman yang dinaungi kemulian-Mu,ampunan-Mu serta rahmat-Mu

Sesungguhnya Engkaulah yang memiliki Kurnia Maha Agung, serta anugerah
yang tak berakhir dan
Engkaulah yang Maha Pengasih diantara semua pengasih.

Amin Ya Rabbul Alamin..

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