Monday, 13 October 2008


where is the light.....

I AM NOT strong

I AM NOT courageous

I AM NOT brave

I AM NOT what you think i am

This is the post mortem of my first week in the tudung phase...

Firstly, i would like to thank everyone that has been really supportive in this external move of mine to get me closer to God. I received lots of wonderful and supportive messages that had kept me going all through the week. I keep every single message in my heart in the hopes that i would not let a lot of people down......

But sadly........


It has only been one week, and yet i think it is the hardest week of my life. It was and still is a major depression time for me. I cry nearly every day of the week.I dont feel hot or sweaty or hard because im wearing the tudung. ITs the act itself plus my old life raging inside of me....the devil in me just needs to get out, the soul that i sold to rock and roll is dying, waiting for a time to be wild again. Im the type of person who walks out of the house wearing the simplest thing i can find, i dont often dress-up(even if it seems like it)...seriously, i NEVER iron my clothes, i DONT brush my hair to class, i GRAB anything i can find in my closet and put it on. I do things fast and i hate scrupples....and yet here i am, having to match scarf and tudung, ironing, argh...(cursing).


did i move to fast? did i make the RIGHT decision at the WRONG time? Am i missing my old life too much? Was my mind actually influenced by other people when i made the decision? Did i not think clearly when i did it? I am not a good decision maker, i try, but i am clearly not. My family and close friends know, the sadder i am, the harder i laugh. I crack stupid jokes just to make me feel better, i talk loudly to make it seem as if i am happy...the question is, am i? i feel distant from my family and close friends. i dont like going out of the house...i used to be, i am contented to be alone in my room. Ku melangkah keluar dari kampus, ku berlari menuju hidupku yang tenteram di duniaku sendiri.... i lock my door, put on the loudest rock music and just escape from the world......


Some people tOOK me aside,------asking why the heck did i wear the tudung. Did i loose my head(hair).?..I wasnt cut out to be this miss-goody 2-shoes, just stop the futile act and be yourself again...Your not one of us anymore...babe, uve lost the coolness in u..take it off man!!...Wut!!??

Some people took me aside,-----telling me if i ever take the tudung of, it will break their hearts. sampai hati....kecewa....ill let a lot of people down, especially to some who looked up to what i did. PEople would think i did it for popularity, once it has died down, ill get bored of it..NO!!

Suddenly, its not between me and God anymore...NIAT ASALKU TELAH BERUBAH??!!! Suddenly, its about me AND THE WHOLE God-forsaken community! I was on a journey to find now LOOSING my identity....

I do not want to let a lot of people down, i do not want to let myself down, most importantly, i do not want to let Allah down....God, show me the light that i found.....i had lost it along the way. Wheres the fire burning inside of me that i had weeks ago? I felt so close to God then, where is that feeling? Adakah kerana aku telah menzahirkan apa yang aku niatkan, aku telah hilang apa yang dicari selama ini?

Pray tell...should i have taken things slowly, really2 make sure that the inside of me was 100% goodness and then take it out??ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!


A friend asked me, apa susahnya nk pakai tudung? Yeah, its not hard at all...its keeping up with it thats hard....Setiap kesusahan yang menimpa kita di jalan menuju KEBENARAN, NIKMAT yang diberi berlipat ganda...Is it the devil telling me to take the wrong path?or is my psychology and heart telling me i made the wrong decision...The confused human mind asks the soul....Siapa tidak ingin menjadi penegak kebenaran ummat ISlam? As a child, i had only one dream--menjadi anak yang solehah---so that i could pray for my parents when they are gone ---- is it too hard to do one simple thing??


To others out there, searching for the truth, my entry today is not to let you down on taking the big step...Its just a reminder of the challenges that you are to face once you are on the right path..This is HONESTLY, TRUTHFULLY from my heart...I DO NOT WANT TO LIE TO PEOPLE AND LET YOU ALL IMAGINE THAT I AM LIVING A LIFE FULL OF WONDERFUL BUTTERFLIES...I do not know how long i would continue, maybe if i take it of, i can find back my way deeper in my religion? Maybe if i go on, i would find my way eventually? I DONT KNOW...the decision remains unknown....BUT I AM NOT GIVING UP MY PATH IN BECOMING A BETTER judge me, only God is fit to do that....




-- REMEMBER...YOU ARE DESTINED FOR GREATNESS..................................


Anonymous said...

nadya,cuba ingat balik,kenapa decide pakai tudung. cuba fikir balik,kenapa berani berubah. cuba renung balik,kenapa SANGGUP melakukan perubahan...anda telah memikirkan perkara ini sebelum decide nk pakai tudung kan? so u have 2 be strong.

there's no turning back, i hope...

kuatkan semangat nadya. kalau nak nangis,nangislah sepuasnya pada Allah. mengadu 'kesedihan' yg dialami skrg padaNya. InsyaALLAH akan lega not telling u dis will change ur life to be happier but dengan merasa rendah diri padaNya dan mengadu segala2 padaNya, kita akan rasa lebih kuat...itulah yang kita perlukan. kekuatan.

manusia tak pernah perfect,manusia sering buat salah,tapi usaha untuk mendekatkan diri kepada tuhan xpernah tergolong dalam usaha dan decision yang salah. xpernah. its just how we anticipate it.

ur decision is x wrong.
u just need 'strength' 2 face the 'new'life style. hidup ini xpernah mudah. u'll never feel easy to get heaven. trust me. everybody is struggling to get that. again, everybody.

NABI,yang namanya nabi,dilantik oleh tuhan, pon diberi dugaan yg mcm2. sedih kalau kita cuba bayangkan. dibaling batu sampai berdarah kepala meleleh ke kaki. ni kan pula kita,pasti ade ujian2 yg tersendiri. if u turn back (de-change ur changes----ade ke ayat tu? hehe.), u'll face da same thing when u try to change again next time.

its just da matter of time. but u really have to face all da dugaan tu. now or bila2 masa akan datang...=)

everybody have their own dugaan utk dekat dengan tuhan nadya. u have urs. i have mine. (xnk bgtau,sbb my dugaan tu pon hebat gak. huhu...) .n even ur fren,ur housemate or anyone else,have their own dugaan. kalo dorg xde dugaan,maksudnya dorg belum cukup Islam. sbb Allah janji dalam quran,setiap orang muslim,mukmin,akan diberi ujian dugaan utk test die layak ke x dapt syurga ALLAH yang maha 'heaven' tu. hehehehe....

p/s: radzi,lenkali jgn tulis panjang2 boleh x? penatla nak bace!!!! hehe,sori...=p

Anonymous said...

lmbt skit ckp sbb i br nmpk u td...

andaiNYA... said...


dont know whether u ever watch dis or not

but if u have extra times..

please see this video and related videos..
its a documentary of yusuf islam-his life n islam..

if u sold urself to rock n roll..hihi=)

he=yusof islam...devoted his life for is his life..
and at the end of his last concert..
he end up saying this to all his fans...

“we’ve only got one life, and we’ve got to do the best with it. And you’ve got to find the right path, and when you do, you know it. I pray that you find the right path. Insha Allah. GOOD BYE, ASSALAMUALAIKUM!”

till then..
never give up nadya!!
may Allah gave u strength n help u move forward!!
1)dekatkan diri dgn Allah
2)bykkan dekati ILMU

Semua Permasalahan Hidup Dijawab oleh Allah s.w.t. di dalam Al-Quran

(grabbed from

"...Hari ini telah Aku sempurnakan untukmu deenmu (cara hidup),
Dan telah Ku cukupkan kepadamu nikmat Ku,
Dan telah Ku redhai Islam itu sebagai deen (cara hidup) bagimu..."
(surah Al-Maaidah:3)

Kenapa aku seringkali diuji?

“1.Alif laam miim.”

“2.Apakah manusia itu mengira bahwa mereka dibiarkan (saja) mengatakan : “Kami telah beriman”, sedang mereka tidak diuji lagi?”

“3.Dan sesungguhnya Kami telah menguji orang-orang yang sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui orang-orang yang benar dan sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui orang-orang yang dusta.”

(Surah Al-Ankabuut:1-3)

Kenapa aku tidak dapat kebahagiaan dan kemewahan?

“Diwajibkan atas kamu berperang, padahal berperang itu sesuatu yang kamu benci. Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui.”

(Surah Al-Baqarah:216)

Kenapa susah dan payah untuk aku menanggung beban yang di berikan?

“Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya. Ia menapat pahala (dari kebajikan) yang diusahakannya dan ia mendapat siksa (dari kejahatan) yang dikerjakannya. (mereka berdo’a): “Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau hukum kami jika kami lupa kami tersalah. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau bebankan kami dengan bebanan yang berat sebagaimana Engaku bebankan kepada orang-orang yang sebelum kami. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau pikulkan kepada kami apa yang tak sanggup kami memikulnya. Beri maaflah kami; ampunilah kami; dan rahmatilah kami. Engkau penolong kami, maka tolonglah kami terhadap kaum yang kafir”.

(Surah Al-Baqarah:286)

Rasa tekanan dan lemah semangat.

“Janganlah kamu bersikap lemah, dan janganlah (pula) kamu bersedih hati, padahal kemulah orang-orang yang paling tinggi (derajatnya), jika kamu orang-orang yang beriman”.

(Surah Al-‘Imran: 139)

Bagaimana aku perlu menghadapi musibah ini?

“Hai orang-orang yang beriman, bersabarlah kamu dan kuatkanlah kesabaranmu dan tetaplah bersiap siaga (diperbatasan negerimu) dan bertaqwalah kepada Allah supaya kamu beruntung”.

(Surah Al-‘Imran:200)

Apa yang aku dapat daripada semua itu?

“Sesungguhnya Allah telah membeli dari orang-orang mu’min, diri dan harta mereka dengan memberikan syurga untuk mereka. Mereka berperang pada jalan Allah; lalu merekamembunuh atau terbunuh. (itu telah menjadi) janji yang benar dari Allah di dalam Taurat, Injil dan Al-Qur’an. Dan siapakah yang lebih menepati janjinya (selain) daripada Allah? Maka bergembiralah dengan jual beli yang telah kamu lakukan itu, dan itulah kemenangan yang besar”.

(Surah At-Taubah:111)

Kepada siapa aku berharap?

“Jika mereka berpaling (dari keimanan), maka katakanlah: “cukuplah Allah bagiku; tidak ada Tuhan selain Dia. Hanya kepada-Nya aku bertawakkal, dan Dia adalah Tuhan yang memiliki ‘Arsy yang agung”.

(Surah At-Taubah:129)

Aku tidak tahan dan bosan dengan hidup ini..

“Hai anak-anakku, pergilah kamu, maka carilah berita tentang Yusuf dan saudaranya dan jangan kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya tiada berputus asa dari rahmat Allah, melainkan kaum yang kafir”.

(Surah Yusuf:87)

Di atas adalah sebahagian daripada permasalahan kehidupan yang dijawab oleh Allah s.w.t di dalam kitab-Nya . Ingin tahu lebih lanjut? Berusaha dan Istiqamahlah dalam memahami maksud yang terkandung di dalam Al-Qur’an dan seterusnya mengamalkannya di dalam kehidupan.

may Allah bless all of us n guide us to the right path..insyaAllah

zaffankhalid said...

salam nadya...masyaAllah..terpilih untuk menerima hidayah dan taufiq dari Allah. Ramai yg dpt hidayah, tp tiada kekuatan. Alhamdulillah Nadya diberikan kekuatan. Sungguh yg manis itu susah kan..supaya manisnye berharga. Ini masa untuk Allah uji Nadya...supaya menjadi Nadya yang kuat..supaya menjadi Nadya yang yakin padaNya...Nadya yang bijak berfikir...Nadya yang tahan cabaran...Lihat..sayang bukan Allah. BUkan sahaja berikan hidayah dan Allah berikan ujian supaya Nadya lebih tinggi lagi darjat di sisinya. Yes..this ir the right path...dont look back..walk straight...and listen to ur inner voice...Sucikan hati dekatkan diri pada Allah. InsyaAllah. Allah catat semua tangis..rintihan hambaNya yang didalam ujian.

tautanhati said...

dh lama nk kenal n brborak-borak dgn nadya. u look so elegant. takut nk tegur.hehe...

my comment about this entry:

"Janganlah kamu bersikap lemah,dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati,padahal kamulah orang2 yang paling tinggi darjatnya,jika kamu orang2 yang beriman." (Ali Imran:139)

moga dapat jadi pengubat hati.
be strong my fren. don't ever turn back. (^_~)

seeker of the Eternal said...

salaamun 'alayk Nadya dearie~

When the world pushes u to your knees, ur in the perfect position to pray ^-^

" lift the veil of the heart to see the heart of purity,
life the veil of the heart to SEEK the heart of purity"
[nasheed from Dawud Wharnsby Ali]

purify ur heart, n dignify urself, eventually inshaAllah it will naturally comes from within - whether u want to be His servant who really worship n believe in Him n act the way He wants, or not to be [na'uzubillah] ^-^ just let US not delay His taufeeq & hidayah, for He only give it to d chosen ones. If Allah brings you to it, He will bring you through it. His love is more than a love of a mother to a child. His forgiveness mount whenever we ask & persevere.. so how cud we betray Him for all that rite, Nadya dear?

Even if someone tries to cause you any hurt, stay firm in your belief and remember that no one can cause you any pain if Allah does not desire it for you.

keep on praying coz His reply to us is guaranteed, but in the way He chooses, not the way we choose, and at the moment He desires, not the moment we desire.

Allah Knows Best.
Wallahu a'lam.
Love, me ^-^