TARIKH HARI INI
Today, 06.10.08, the day that many people gaped with their mouth wide open at nadya amin shaharudin. after my last controversial entry on my blog, suddenly, i am doing the unthinkable...and i did it. I of all people, wore the infamous head scarf....the word that i had dreaded for so long, the T-U-D-U-N-G.
Ok, so i promised to reply the comments about the stigma of bertudung and tidak bertudung. but i think at this point, firstly, people would want to know why i made such a drastic decision and change. SO, my next entry after this is for the comments. p.s= this entry is a bit jumbled up, im like really new to this blast of emotions im feeling...seriously
HOW IT ALL STARTED
Mind you all, i have been thinking about this for a long time, almost over a year. The last entry on my blog, was actually written when my heart was already set on wearing the tudung, i was just waiting for the right time. i have no idea why i am embarking myself on this strange journey to get me closer to God, i mean for heavens sake, i am surely a mere mortal, who is only another face in the crowd. But, looks like God did favor me a bit now and then, as i keep hearing a little voice inside me reminding me that i must be destined for GREATNESS(or was it just my imagination). Well, anyway, some people say you get restless if you do not do something, so thats the way i was.
PERASAAN BERGELORA DAN MEBUAK-BUAK
It was not an easy decision to make..who said wearing the tudung was easy must be senile. I set my heart to wear it on the first day class started after Eid. The whole holiday, my mind had been hovering over the fact was i brave enough to do something like this..i mean,its me your talking about...me who sold her soul to rock and roll!!(i got that part from the reapers series)..anyway, i went out once to bandung, wearing a tudung, to try out how it would feel, it felt ok,so i thought i could summon the strength to do my most daring act yet.
The night before the BIG DAY, suddenly i felt myself loosing it, i did not have the confidence to do it. i cried and wept at the thought of how my life will change 360 degrees, thank God, a good friend of mine called me at 2 in the morning to comfort me and give me the last strength i needed to go ahead with my decision. I was howling and crying to this friend of mine, and i told him, why cant guys wear tudung...i even asked him to wear a towel on his head for a day so that he could feel how it felt to wear a tudung..huhu...i thought that was funny at that time..
The next day, i wokup, took a bath, took a really really REALLLLY deep breath, and i wore the tudung without thinking twice. I felt i was brave enough to face the day...UNTIL....until i reached my university and went into class, people were staring, jaws dropped, eyes adverted mine, mouths started oowings and aahings and making their own assumptions as to why i was doing it....so i crawled into a little corner in class...and cried...and cried...and cried.....and cried even more....the whole lecture time, i was sniffling and sobbing while the lecturer was talking..
Some people started messaging me,asking me what happened...my non-muslim friends called and messaged and told me not to change, they were afraid id get too Malayish...ha...i hope that never happens...im proud of the mixture of my pakistani and chinese descent, atleast im not too MAlay ey..hehe...no offence...anyway, i told them ...read my blog...it says what i want to say...IF I DO WEAR A TUDUNG ONE DAY, IT WOULD NOT BE BECAUSE OF THE MALAY SOCIETY...BUT FOR MY RELIGION...
TAHAP IMAN YANG MUDAH NAIK DAN TURUN
At the end of the day, people smiled at me, my lecturer hugged me and said Alhamdulillah...i felt like i did something for myself, but at the same time, i made a whole bunch of people happy (god, my parents must be beaming on me right now from canada)..haha...Its only my first day, a big obstacle that i overcame....but i do not know about the other days to come and if i would go on with this tudung phenomena...but if i do not, or do, i hope everyone will not judge me for my decisions...as someone wrote on my comments....IN THE FINAL ANALYSIS, IT IS BETWEEN YOU AND GOD....
to be continued......